Baby Blues

I got my first touch of baby fever at 29 years old.  According to my “life plan” I was so far behind, but I was settled in my career and I was enjoying my life as a newlywed.  My husband and I decided it was time to start the process of growing our family.  I was so excited about the idea of becoming a mom and raising children with my husband, but I didn’t expect all the challenges that would follow.

According to the Mayo Clinic, about 10 to 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage (1).  Nothing can describe the pain we felt when we had our first sonogram and my womb was filled with a yolk sac without an embryo.  I never expected to be a statistic, and here I was experiencing an incredible loss of something I never had.

The loss of my first pregnancy caused me to enter a deep depression.

It was difficult for me to feel excitement for others that were expecting children; I felt disdain for young mothers that had multiple children out of wedlock; and I couldn’t understand why God would take this child from me but allow a teenager to have a baby.  I couldn’t stop these judgmental thoughts and I couldn’t comprehend the possibility of not being able to conceive.  About four months after the miscarriage, we got pregnant again and I couldn’t have been more terrified.  This was supposed to be the most exciting time of my life, but it was tainted by the thought of losing another child.

March 31, 2013, we welcomed a beautiful daughter into this world! She was perfect in every way and I couldn’t have been sadder.  I expected to immediately fall deeply in love, especially after all we had endured to have a child, but it wasn’t that simple.  Having a baby was the most difficult experience I had endured to date.  I lost control of my life while having to take care of another life; I was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted but couldn’t rest.  My identity was lost and all I had left was this new title of “Mom”.

The books didn’t disclose this part of the story nor did my friends or family members.  I felt like I had been duped and was forced to face a reality that I didn’t want to accept.  The reality was I had Postpartum Depression.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, 11 to 20 percent of women who give birth each year have postpartum depression symptoms. If you settled on an average of 15% of four million live births in the US annually, this would mean approximately 600,000 women get PPD each year in the United States alone (2).  I am sure this number is significantly higher, because many women suffer in silence and pray it away, just like I did. People don’t like to talk about postpartum because there is this expectation tied to the word “Mom” that you are supposed to “handle” EVERYTHING and do it well, instantly.  When you get discharged from the hospital, they give you a checklist to complete to indicate your feelings and a number to call in case it gets worse.  What they fail to mention is that after having a baby you don’t know what is going on! The physical and mental exhaustion is overwhelming, and the hormones cause your emotions to be all out of sorts.  Postpartum depression can set in and linger long after birthing a child.  The pamphlet does not reveal the truth and there is no way to prepare.  All of a sudden, through excruciating pain, a new life appears.  You get one good exhale out and boom—a baby is sucking your nipple and you instantly are maintaining the life of a person. Immediately all the attention is paid to the baby and you sacrifice yourself to ensure the comfortability of another.  Without healing time or processing time, you become a mother.

Becoming a mother is the ultimate sacrifice and the most difficult job you will ever have.  Unlike the professional sector, you don’t get a 60-90 day trial period to see if it’s a good fit.  You just ARE a mom and you just DO what you have to do.  No one tells you that it is common to feel sad, or that you want your old life back, or you just hurt.

Moms, I’m here to tell you not to suffer in silence.  Talk about your feelings to other moms and share your experiences.

Once you get a good routine in place, start feeling more comfortable with baby tasks, and figure out your new normal, the emotions will get better.  But if you have thoughts of harming the baby or yourself, please get some counseling or talk to someone.  Do not feel guilty about having postpartum depression, but I want you to recognize and admit that you have it.  Be the very best mom you can be and don’t compare yourself to others. I made the mistake of comparing myself to other moms who instantly fell in love with their babies.  The shame and guilt I formed for not having that immediate bond was unbearable.

Overtime, I learned that everything is temporary and it does get better and easier.  After my daughter was about six weeks old, I woke up one day and had this overwhelming feeling of love and joy when I picked her up.  Instantly, I realized what I had been missing this entire time.  I had fallen in love with my child and found a new purpose in my life.  Thankfully, my postpartum was manageable and I came out of depression in a short period of time.  My advice is to find some time to take care of yourself amid the craziness.  Be unapologetic about your mothering, disregard the outside noise of naysayers, and do whatever it takes to keep your household sane.  It is important to reconnect to yourself and find a new normal.  Be open and honest about your depression, ask for support, and don’t be ashamed of your feelings.

You CAN do this. You are NOT alone.

You Raise. We Rise.