Raising Inclusive Kids

TAM FEATURE: ROWAN RENEE

A Mother’s Fear

I am in a difficult, but not unique situation. Living with metastatic cancer, I have a lot of unknowns. Will I see my kids grow up? Will I witness their first loves? Encourage their first big dreams? Comfort them through life’s disappointments? If not, will they remember me? Will they remember sleeping in my arms, that I sing them songs, that I read to them everyday?

Will they know how much I love them? 

And yet. And yet. And yet. As painful as these questions are, I’ve been contemplating my relative privilege.

Because my kids are white kids, I know society will mirror their value, I know they are relatively safe, I know every institution was designed to benefit them. . . .

The thought of not being there to guide my kids through life really hurts, but I have been trying to imagine the added fears for a parent of color in the same reality I am in. Because, of course, it’s a different experience. For a Black parent, the thought of dying and leaving behind a tiny child, knowing the racism that child will face, knowing they will be dehumanized in so many eyes, knowing that someone could call the cops, and therefore threaten their lives, while they are simply living their lives, knowing that every system will work against them…..I mean, I try to imagine, but I can not even imagine. . . .

My fears are real, I’m not saying they are not. I’m just acknowledging that even in this horrific situation, I and my kids are still in a bubble of privilege. And my heart goes out to all of you outside the bubble. I know what I described above barely touches your reality. I know I can not even fathom your experience. I know my kids do not have more value than your kids. I know that even if we are basically in the same situation health-wise, there is pain you are forced to hold that I am not. I wish I could ease it, but what I can do right now is acknowledge it. And so I do, humbly.

Parenting Creates Change

My efforts at raising inclusive kids have not changed as my health does.  As a parent of a toddler and preschooler, this primarily looks like strong, positive, diverse representation in our home through books, storytelling, rhymes and sing-alongs, imaginative play, and toys. Mostly it is pretty simple but significant: change the pronoun in a sing-along from he to ze, include a character in a wheelchair when making up stories, be one of two moms when playing house. For my preschooler, my efforts include conversations with them as well as modelling difficult conversations. Just last week, during the numerous school tours we took in preparation for kindergarten next year, my preschooler witnessed me asking detailed questions about their school policies and curriculum.  For example: do you have gender inclusive bathrooms or bathrooms that are safe for your trans students to use? in what ways are you making your curriculum more inclusive? are you upholding the first Thanksgiving story in your classrooms (please say no)? 

So how did this all start? With a bit of inspiration and a dash of annoyance.

I was thinking to myself. What’s with all these he pronouns? Seriously, think about it, almost all nursery rhymes and sing-alongs use he/him pronouns.

Well just change it up! Use she pronouns!

I revel in my cleverness, feeling solid in my feminism. Until my next thought blew my mind wide open: If I can just change the pronouns to she/her, I can use  ANY pronouns! This one simple change led to other simple, intentional adaptations that normalized non-binary pronouns and identities for my children from the time they were infants. Eventually I organized much of my ideas into a resource for parents looking to use simple, effective techniques for increasing more positive, diverse representation in their homes with babies, toddlers, and preschoolers. 

Parenting Led with Self-Awareness & Self-Love

In regards to my parent activism, what has changed dramatically these last few months is how public I am with my parenting choices. Previously I spent a good amount of time posting on my Instagram and Facebook @RaisingInclusiveKids accounts, hoping to inspire parents to take a more actively social justice-minded approach to their parenting style, to build community with like-minded parents so that we may support, encourage, and challenge each other to go further and deeper with our efforts. I didn’t want to opt out of the social justice world, even after being given a poor prognosis.

But then I had to ask myself some difficult questions: am I trying to be the good white person? am I really concerned about staying engaged or am I not wanting to lose out on the likes and new follows? Am I feeling a sense of responsibility as a person who holds a lot of privilege or am I wielding my white savior complex? In other words, am I sacrificing my health in order to uphold white supremacy? Truth is, I didn’t have solid answers to my own questions. So I stopped posting. The parent resource I created was changed from a monthly subscription to a free resource (still available through my Instagram bio link). 

Truth is, I had some reservations about being featured. I mean, my website is a mess and my landing page hasn’t been updated and I barely even exist on social media anymore, and, and, and. But I am trying to keep in mind a few things –

…none of that has anything to do with social change, my work as a parent is at home, not reflected in likes and follows,…

…and this idea that I can’t be featured unless I have a perfect, shiny product ( that my value is reflected in said shiny, or unshiny, product) stems from capitalism. And here in the United States, our capitalist institution is founded on slavery, genocide, and land theft and must be resisted in large and small ways. So here I am, my feature reflecting real life. I am a parent living with a major health crisis, loving my children fiercely, doing my best to raise inclusive kids. 

Combatting Inherited Racism

I don’t know how long I’ll have (but who does, really?) so in addition to the every day small interactions like the ones I described above, I’m filling our home with amazing resources and chapter books that will be available to them whether I am here or not. Some examples (all of which I highly recommend for your home) are the Black History Flashcards by Urban Intellectuals, The Social Justice Box by Brown Schooling, The Binti Series by Nnedi Okorafor, Where the Mountain Meets the Moon and similar chapter books by Grace Lin, Children of Blood and Bone by Toni Adeyemi (I’m eagerly awaiting the sequel!) and more. There really are some great reads and resources at your fingertips if you know where to look. If new to this, I recommend following @theconsciouskid, @biracialbookwoms, @rethinkingschools, @thinkorblue, @pragmaticmom, @everydaygirldad, @embracerace, @itsybitsyresisters, @hereweeread – for starters. Next on my personal list, I am excited to dive into the work and parent resources by @mamademics. 

Here’s a hard truth: I can fill my house to the roof with amazing resources and books, I can have countless conversations, I can adapt every nursery rhyme and sing-alongs, I can create a million interactions through play and stories that bring home positive, diverse representation, but all of that will equal to absolutely nothing if I don’t dig out, bring to light, and heal my own internalized prejudice and racism that I unconsciously pass along to my children. Same for you. And you, and you, and you. It’s easy to get mad at another’s actions, to see another’s flaws, to see the problem as being of society. But we do need to take personal accountability, personal responsibility.

The system is not out there, we are the system. We are individual players of the system and are collectively the system. We are the racist society. The racism inside cops that murder black children is inside us, too. The racism inside teachers who fail to see brilliance in their black students is in us, too. The racism in politicians who want to build walls is in us, too. And if we don’t actively confront, name, and dig out that deep rooted racism in our hearts, minds, and bodies, we will pass it along to our kids. We will mirror, affirm, and support the racism in our family, neighbors, friends, in each other.

Having a house full of #ownvoices diverse books does not counteract the racism we unconsciously pass on to our kids. Books are not the antidote.

Yes, they are very important in providing great representation for our kids, in our homes. But they are not the answer. The answer is doing the work of unpacking our own racism. Then we compliment that work with having positive, diverse representation in our home through books, storytelling, imaginative play, and nursery rhymes.

But all that without doing the personal work, is nothing. 

So even through long stints of not posting, not talking, not taking space on your timelines, I am listening, learning, doing my best to deal with my own shit. And this is probably one of the most powerful things every parent can do in the work for social change. This is where, as a collective, us parents can be a major force for change. We will never be perfect at it, we will make mistakes, we will always have blind spots,…

…but we must be relentless for the stakes are high and the potential is brilliant.

New to this? Here’s a SHORT, very incomplete list of starter recommendations to listen, learn, reflect, and pay: @lilnativeboy, @iamrachelricketts, @dr.rosalesmeza, @laylafsaad, @rachel.cargle, @ijeomaoluo, @nowhitesaviors, @leesareneehall. 

In love, solidarity, and resistance, Rowan Renee (they/them pronouns)