Reclaiming Your Identity

At 31 years old I was happily married, embarking on the purchase of our first home, an Administrator in the school system, raising a teenage family member, and pregnant with my first child. I felt like I had a good work-life balance and I was so ready to welcome my new baby home. What I did not realize was how much my life would change once the baby was born. I have always been one to multi-task and take on many projects at once, so I wasn’t very concerned when I was starting a new course for my Administrative Certification the week after I gave birth. Needless to say, once I gave birth to my baby girl everything in my world came crashing down at once. I was buried underneath all the responsibilities that I had created. Instantly, I became a mother and April had disappeared.

During the first six months of being a new mom I had to find a new normal.

I began creating a new circus that was my life and I found myself placing my child, my husband, my cousin, my work, and school priorities ahead of my own.

I had completely lost sense of self under the guise of “I’m a mom–so I have to do it all.” One day after a rare night out with friends, our conversation led us down a road of discussing self-sacrifice and how to reclaim ourselves. It was uplifting to know that my friends shared my struggle, but at the same time we had no solution on how to dig ourselves from out of the rubble. I decided to do some self-discovery on the things in life that make me unique, and I made a pledge to actually do those things once per month. This journey helped me to recognize who I am as an individual, a wife, a mother, a friend, and professional.

I learned how to manage life and not sacrifice my own happiness for the needs of others, even my daughter.

April was back and stronger than ever!

5 Steps To Reclaim My Identity

1. Self-reflection and Self-discovery

I made a list of things I love to do alone. Once the list was created, I determined how to include those items into the month. For example, I love to get massages, my hair, and my nails done. I would schedule these things either during my lunch break or I would shift my work hours in order to get my appointments in the afternoon before I put on my mom hat. When I look good, I feel good and am able to support the people in my life.

What makes you happy? What inspires you? How do you take care of yourself?

2. Communicate Your Challenges

It was important to let out my new mom frustrations and challenges with someone who understood. I had to get rid of the shame and guilt associated with feeling overwhelmed and often times just not wanting to do anything for anyone.  Mothers need a sounding board and we all need to support each other through the difficult job of raising and parenting children. My best friend and I committed to having dinner with each other once a month. As her best friend, I saw how she battled through the same stresses that all mothers have, but would suffer in silence. I encouraged her to talk to me about it and it was very therapeutic, for both of us. We began looking forward to those monthly dinner dates and then they evolved into yearly girl-getaways. We became better mothers and wives because we were able to talk freely about the challenges we faced and struggled with, and took time just to be friends, even if for a brief moment.

3. Make Yourself a Priority

I realized I had to do one thing for myself and by myself every single day. This could be as simple as drinking a cup of coffee in the morning alone, watching a reality show in the evening, reading a book, taking a yoga class, or meditating. I prioritized having a silent moment of living for myself every single day. I created a place in my home that is off-limits to everyone else. My husband has a man cave where he can retreat, and I have a kid-free zone where I can watch tv and write. It is important to take time for yourself every day to reconnect to yourself.

4. Free Yourself from Mom Guilt

The year is 2017, not 1950. We are no longer held to the same standard that women were accustomed to over 60 years ago. I can firmly attest to the importance of a woman being able to have her own life outside of being a mother.  Women are multi-dimensional and yes, we can do it all! I definitely do not shy away from opportunities that can foster my growth and development because my child has a soccer game. I utilize the village around me to help get everything I consider important, accomplished. If I need help, I ask for it.

5. Spend Time with Your Girlfriends

I cannot stress enough how valuable and essential girl-time is for a new mom. My friends truly know my spirit and helped me to reconnect to my identity, pre-mom status. I frequently call upon and try to surround myself with a support system that allows and supports me to be myself, to get silly, laugh, relax, relate, and release. Whether it’s a monthly dinner, a weekend spa getaway, or a lavish week vacation in the Caribbean; I have become encouraged to take kid-free moments and enjoy time being just, April. My husband and I decided that this was a very important concept to maintain when we got married. We both value the importance of friendships so we encourage each other to spend time with our friends.

I am lucky to have a partner that understands my need for individuality and it, without question, makes our union stronger, and makes me a better mom.

After committing myself to these five commandments, I was able to rediscover the best part of myself. I climbed out from underneath all of the expectations the world has of mothers, a difficult if not impossible task without support and with a determined mindset. I created a mom title that served in the best interest of my family and my self-worth; and determined what type of mom I wanted to be–unafraid of how other people would view my definition. These steps led me to live the best version of myself, in all things.

Redefine yourself as a mother, and reclaim your identity.

For Your Self. Your Family. For Your Right to Self-Define.