#SingleMomsBeLike

I do want you to put a label on me.

The first thing people consider when they think of me is, ‘She’s a single mom.’ I’m okay with that. Being their mom is my purpose. The implication of being a single parent, however, is that I have to deal with the pressure of being both mom AND dad. That pressure can be crushing. Any single mom will attest, if you have a conscience that cares about who your kids will become, you have NO choice but to take on your single mommy duties, regardless of how crushing that pressure may feel.

I have to teach my sons how to treat and respect women, as well as how to BE a man, supporting and developing their manhood without coddling them into self-serving, righteous, entitled men.

Raising Men as a Woman

It’s more easy as a mom to take care of EVERYTHING. But, what will that message give my sons, about the role of a woman? Beyond messaging all this to them, I have to show them in action, as well. I can model this only by not partnering up with a man that does not meet this standard.

I am one of many women in my family, a generation amongst many — of single moms.

I’m not building weak-minded, indecisive, lost men. I’m trying to build strong men. They don’t gender identify any different. So I want to encourage them to be confident, self-assured men. I want them to be leaders, providers, protectors, and heads of their household. Their wives will be heads of their households, too. But, as women. I do believe in gender equality, but I firmly believe in roles. Men, lead as men in their relationships and marriages. Women, lead as women. Our generation and older generations, and – oh no don’t get me started on these millennials — 2-parent households is not the norm. Generations of children continue to be raised by single moms, who don’t have time to teach and/or are not equipped to model what being a man is and means.

One of my biggest goals as a mom is to ensure my boys respect me so that it rolls over into their love, respect and treatment toward their wife, and any woman in their lives. Gestures as small as opening the door for me are vital. Both my kids MUST practice this as a habit. There has been a significant absence of guidance in men’s lives. If anything, that is the single, most important lesson I want my kids to say they got from my parenting— ‘My mom may have raised us by herself, but she showed me how to be a man.’

The Implications of Being Labeled as an Independent Woman

On the flip side of things, there are single moms who are raising girls to be “independent, don’t need a man,” entitled women.

There’s no role identity in the millennial. They’re all lost.

I recently had a conversation with a young 25 year old and his girlfriend. Family and kids weren’t even on their radar. Parenthood and family aren’t goals anymore. In large part, I think that’s why I’m still single. I can’t find a man who wants to be a husband, who wants to commit and think outside of himself in order to start and help raise a family. It’s not a goal or value in our culture.

I am a mom first, before everything else. My kids are absolutely a big part of my identity and my life accomplishments. I did not grow up in an ideal parent-child situation. A lot of how I parent, I took from what was missing in my childhood and of what I’d do differently. I prioritize attending all of my son’s sporting events and am adamant about checking homework for these reasons. I have a presence in their wellbeing and follow through with their bad and good choices with consequence and reinforcement. This was absent in my upbringing. So when my dad would comment about when I’d go out, with a tone, like, what kind of parent are you to go out and have independent time and enjoy yourself? Uh?!

Really dad? When you weren’t there at all?! When I’m here 99.9% of the time?! Because I’m a mom, I can’t do anything?!

As a single mom, I had to find a support system.

Family can serve as a crutch, but it can super suck because it’s often met, heavy-laden with shaming and judgment.

Raising the Future Led by a Woman’s Value in Herself

As I get older, when my parents make comments, it doesn’t bother me as much, because the outcomes of my parenting decisions are seen in the success of my kids. Having kids young, I second-guessed myself a lot. But seeing my boys thrive, is super validating to who I have tried to be for them.

I see my sons as strong men. And they’re going to give birth to strong men.

I already see how my sons are having a positive influence; contributing to a man’s identity; and to the meaning of manhood. My oldest son speaks up and encourages his friends to not disrespect their mothers. To not use foul language toward women or any gender.

I see that my way of raising them will help to end the intergenerational cycle of single moms. Because they will be present and committed to their women and their children. They will build strong, thriving, complete families.

My youngest is going to be that kid who makes a big change. Right now, he befriends socially, unpopular kids. Kids that are labeled as different. He is known to stand up to kids, against even the slightest hint of bullying. He’s so in tuned to his sensitivity. He’s one to speak up now and I have no doubt that he’ll continue speaking up on other people’s behalf when needed.

I am bursting out of my skin with joy because of this.

I not only believe in both of my sons. I know them to already be strong, enabled men and am happy, confident and excited to see them give strength to a world, lacking in honorable leadership right now.

Like the whole American thing, is not even.

I am so not feeling American these days. I acknowledge and have respect for the National Anthem and Pledge of Allegiance. I understand that being American is about freedom. That if you work hard you will get things you want out of life. It’s not about that anymore.

When I hear ‘American’ now, I think of white supremacists. The face of ‘America’ is not multicultural, as I grew up knowing. The times have reverted to segregation and racism.

It’s sad that I have to sit here and explain to my kids that you-will be judged by the color of your skin.

And what you have to do to deal with that and how not to react, and how not to be judgmental. To still keep your kindness about you.

That’s why I can’t say much about being a proud American right now. I don’t even consider myself American because its mention comes with so much hate. And I’m not hateful.

Defining American TODAY is Just as Important as it was during the Civil Rights Movement

American is not about unity. There’s no love. This country used to be about how much opportunity there is for people from other countries to come here and pursue. I was so proud of that. Now it’s, ‘If you’re not from here, you don’t belong here.’

Hearing the word American doesn’t give me a good feeling like it used to.

During a conversation with a fellow Cowboys fan, we discussed Kaepernick’s protest. I inquired if, as a die-hard Cowboys fan, how would he feel if a Cowboy took the knee? And his response was that it’s bullshit. He didn’t agree. My response?

Are you KIDDING me?

You don’t have a clue of what we have to deal with. You never have to tell your white son not to put on a hoodie. Or have a discussion with your white wife about how to speak to your white son about how his choice of clothes might get him hurt or murdered. I worry EVERY second of the day, especially now that my son is driving, having to discuss with him steps to take if he is pulled over. They are killing us! It doesn’t affect you. It doesn’t have anything to do with you, your wife, or your kids. It’s not about your opinion. The fact is that you’re safe. Just LISTEN.

Interviewed 2.2.18